Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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