I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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