Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
