what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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