Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
