just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
