He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
