Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
