I CAN MOONWALK!
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
