I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
