Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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