I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I will pee on everything he values.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
