God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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