i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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