What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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