Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
