I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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