I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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