do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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