Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
