if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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