He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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