I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
