so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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