I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
