You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
