I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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