I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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