Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
