How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
