The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
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