New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
