His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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