Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
