he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
