There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
