i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
