my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Tornado booty call.. dedication
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
