listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
