There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
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I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
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Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.