I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.