your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.