I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Randomize
