I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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