i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
