You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
