Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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