What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Someone signed my nipple.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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