I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
