A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I did not marry a roomba.
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