I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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