Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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