someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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