Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
