You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
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I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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