He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
