Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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