i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
it hurts more in the daytime
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Randomize
