My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
