I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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