I just pynch a tree in the face
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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